My kids and I were baking cookies recently, when I sang out “to the town of Agua Fria rode a stranger one fine day.” My kids quickly picked up next line and the three of us belted out Marty Robbins “Big Iron” with much delight. It reminded me of singing Strawberry Roan (also Marty Robbins) with my mom and sister, loudly and off key, while my dad rolled his eyes.
The family mythology goes that my parents each brought a Marty Robbins “Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs” album to the marriage. I grew up hearing those songs. But MY kids learned “Big Iron” from a well known videogame… Which is an activity they learned from their father. He calls them his “gamer larva” and is quite pleased that our son is learning to program in his computer science courses at his university and our daughter wants to go into a digital arts program with emphasis in game art.
What does this have to do with gifted family dynamics? Well, my husband, myself, and our two kids are a gifted family from gifted extended family. Things like belting out Marty Robbins songs, making a climbing net from an old rocket parachute, or a chicken coop from adobe bricks we made ourselves were pretty typical of what my family of origin would come up with. At some point, probably when I was in middle school, it dawned on me that my family was not “normal,” as my friends’ families didn’t do these types of things. But all these creative endeavors and offbeat obsessions seemed normal to me.
Those are some of the fun parts of living in a family full of gifted people. But there are some dark sides too. All families have to balance the needs of the family as a whole with the needs of the individuals who make up the family. Gifted needs can get very complex. Some family members might be sensory seeking and like making lots of noise, messes, and moving at Mach 3. While others might be more contemplative, and sensitive to loud noises and quick actions. If both of these people live in the same family, it can create conflict. My parents had a 1972 Chevy Blazer when I was little, and the door handles had ash trays with spring loaded lids. I loved the sound the lid made as it clicked shut. Rhythmic repetitive sounds are soothing, especially for developing brains. Click, click, click, I would lift it and drop it over and over and over. My mom, on the other hand, found this noise to be abrasive and irritating, and would lose her composure if I didn’t stop clicking after the first, second … or fifth request. This is another part of gifted family dynamics. I learned quickly that I had the power to make my mom lose it. For a small child with very little choice over what happened in her life, this power was exhilarating. Click, Click, Click, “Heather! For Pete’s sake STOP it!!!” Power… and “Mom, who is Pete?”
That is another family dynamic that can be both a blessing and a curse, the almost endless sense of curiosity about the world. And the way that curiosity is approached. I had the nickname of “why? Daddy, why?” as a toddler. And when my kids hit the unending “why?” stage, I would sometimes reach a point where I just wanted to say “Because! That’s all!” All kids go through a “why?” phase, but for gifted kids the level and depth of the questions can be demanding.
Gifted kids can be both more cautious and more daring. They tend to have a greater understanding of cause and effect than their age peers, but also a desire to run in-vivo experiments about cause and effect to see if they are right. If you jump off the garage with an umbrella will you float down like Mary Poppins? Oh, the umbrella turns inside out, not good. I was encouraged to test this from a lower wall first and therefore never attempted the garage.
So what are some of the ways to manage the unusual dynamics in a gifted family? The two biggies are choice and regard. All kids benefit from appropriate empowerment, but for some gifted kids, having a degree of control over their environment is a deep need. They might meet this need by being given appropriate choices or by having tantrums and meltdowns. It might take a little longer to get out the door to let a young child chose which shirt to wear, but a full-on scratchy tag tantrum might take even longer. Is a teen’s hairstyle really a battle that is worth having? The trick with gifted kids is figuring out which choices they can make well on their own. I tend to use three categories, taken from Dr. Ross Greene’s Collaborative Problem Solving. If it is a safety issue, I make the choice. If I don’t really care about the outcome I don’t need to be involved in the choice. The ones in between are open to rich moments of negotiation. Things might not go exactly how you planned them, but they will most likely be smoother in the long run. And you might learn something too. My son started decorating his own birthday cakes at age four. They were not the grand decorating master pieces I had planned to attempt. But he got better over time and introduced his sister to cake decorating as well.
These techniques work with adults as well. When people say “pick your battles” it means first figuring out what is not negotiable, what is negotiable, and what just doesn’t matter. And then engaging in negotiations in a respectful and open way.
Positive regard really goes a long way. Parents who are interested in their kids, and curious about what interests their kids tend to get more respect back. Indulge the why’s as long as you can stand them. Bring in some of your own questions and go on a joint quest as a family. My family often has word origin discussions around the dinner table. It gets our minds engaged, but also gets us engaged with each other. Regard is also involved in finding out what is going on with someone. Behavior is always a communication, bad behavior doubly so! Most people will do the best they can in the moment, so if they are messing up, turn up the curiosity and find out what is going on. Often for parents this means getting a handle on your own emotions before confronting a child (or a partner) about a behavior. This means you must understand your own gifted brain and where you might overreact. (throw in a little regard and compassion for yourself while you are at it.)
And don’t forget the power of play. One of the great positive dynamics that go on in gifted families is that they tend to find imaginative ways to play together. Frequently my family engages in spontaneous pun marathons. My mom introduced my sister and me to all manner of creative pursuits as her play typically involves learning applications for various arts and crafts media. It wasn’t unusual to have a pot of paper pulp boiling on the stove alongside dinner.
Gifted families tend to have a lot going on. This richness can be a wonderful source of creativity and joy, or a bur of irritation. Embrace the liveliness (and cut out the scratchy tags…)
“he’s having fun, he’s having fun, he’s having fun” this is my mantra as my husband plays a fast-paced video game in the other room. Click, click, click.
